Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the only blog that has the balls to replace research and insider information with pure, unchecked hubris. My distaste for preseason analysis, along with a forgotten password, has led me to this late rebirth of the blog. But the season is upon us. I have thoughts, new themes, and even a guest coming to help pick some winners for week two. Stop… hammer time.
Most important (and therefor first) thought: How the hell did I never realize that Julius Jones is the brother of Thomas Jones? They look darn near identical, and they’ve been in the league forever. Both are high-profile players, yet the media doesn’t seem to play their relation up at all. The Manning boys are always being compared and contrasted, and the meeting between the two this week is getting a silly amount of attention for two teams that didn’t exactly come out firing on all cylinders week one. Is it because they’re QBs, but the Jones boys are lowly, little running backs? And while we’re on the topic, how is it that Thomas Jones is constantly proving his critics wrong and making an impact wherever he goes, yet he still can’t hold down a team? Thomas has rushed for over 1,100 yards for five straight years, and racked up 46 touchdowns (three receiving) over that same span. Julius, meanwhile, has only cracked the thousand-yard barrier once, going for 1,084 in ’06. His touchdowns? Never more than the seven from his rookie year. Not that he hasn’t shown flashes, but Julius has managed to stay relatively stationary for a running back in today’s NFL. Two teams over seven years. Thomas is on his fifth team in 11 seasons. Thanks to Esack, my ear on the street, for bringing the brothers Jones into my head today, thus starting this mental tangent.
ON TO THE CHANGES! What’s new this year? The Power(less) Rankings will no longer be done in a simple one, two, three nature. No, this year we’ll be placing teams in groups that fit a common theme. The first theme will be CANDY BARS! That will come next week, as I feel ranking teams any earlier would be a chocolate-covered overreaction with a crunchy, nougat center. That last sentence took me six minutes to perfect. But what else is new? Man Gossip. Sure, it’s just a bunch of catty rumors, but we’re eating a bratwurst, so it’s still manly! I’ll touch on subjects like, “I heard that loudmouth Suzy say that Brett Favre wants Chili to trade for Vincent Jackson, but that stubborn ol’ Chili’s a tightwad and doesn’t want to drop the cash!” Or, “Mike McCarthy didn’t even wait a full week after Ryan Grant went down start calling up them Buffalo Bills to see if he could get Marshawn Lynch’s number! What a hussy!” This feature will come and go as gossip is deemed juicy enough. Next up is Crazytown, which will highlight various areas of ridiculousness unique to the football world. And the last addition to the already perfect, yet somehow now even more perfecter blog? A weekly guest. Mentok the Mindtaker. For those of you not familiar with outdated Hannah Barbera cartoon superheros or Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Mentok the Mindtaker is a character from Birdman, as well as the more recent tongue-in-cheek program Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law. Mentok’s villainous plots are fueled by his psychic powers. So who better to face in a weekly pick ‘em contest? Mentok will look into the future for his picks, and I’ll just use plain old logic. We’ll save our records and compare at year’s end. And heck, why not start now!?
Mentok the Mindtaker (0-0) vs Ezekiel (0-0)
Dolphins (1-0) at Vikings (0-1)
Ezekiel: Dolphins, crafty though they may be, would have a tough time fending off even one viking. Vikings win, 24 to 14.
Mentok: Minnesota’s offense takes a step in the right direction, but Favre still looks sloppy. Too bad Chad Henne can’t handle the Viking pass rush. A low-scoring affair of two solid defenses against two offenses struggling to find an identity. Vikings win, 14 to 9.
Giants (1-0) at Colts (0-1)
Ezekiel: Tricky one. A colt could be a horse, or a handgun, which begs the question… could a small sidearm take down a giant? Hard to say. I say no. Giants win, 27 to 24.
Mentok: Foolish human! I don’t need to take anyone’s mind to know that Peyton Manning will pick New York’s week defensive secondary apart! Colts win, 35 to 20.
Patriots (1-0) at Jets (0-1)
Ezekiel: A jet would annihilate a patriot, assuming these patriots are unarmed. The team name doesn’t list any sort of combat skills. Jets win, 28 to 14.
Mentok: Randy Moss is scary when he wants to be motivated. Darrelle Revis wishes he’d gotten into camp a little sooner. Patriots win, 21 to 10.
Ravens (1-0) at Bengals (0-1)
Ezekiel: I think a large swarm of ravens would a be surprisingly large challenge for a bengal tiger. However, if we’re saying there are multiple ravens, I feel like we have to assume there are multiple bengals, too. In that case, Bengals win, 14 to 10.
Mentok: The Bengals picked a bad week to need a rebound, because the Ravens show off their new receiving threats. Ravens win, 21 to 13.
Seahawks (1-0) at Broncos (0-1)
Ezekiel: Broncos are not designed to handle airborne attackers, so as long as the seahawks are organized, they should emerge victorious. Seahawks win, 17 to 14.
Mentok: Orton is rarely pressured and demonstrates why he’s starting ahead of Wonder Boy. Pete Carroll appears to be having a great time, even in defeat. Broncos win, 24 to 21.
BONUS PICK ‘EM OF THE WEEK: Fantasy sleeper of the week is…?
Ezekiel: C.J. Spiller. Green Bay’s defense looked slow against Mike Vick. Spiller, not unlike Vick, runs quickly.
Mentok: Darren McFadden. Nobody seemed to notice that he scored 20 fantasy points last week while his team was being routed. That’s not easy to do as a running back. What’s easier? Playing the Rams at home.
That’s all for Mentok the Mindtaker this week, folks. Check back next week for more predictions and to keep track of the ongoing battle between sophomoric idiocy and thoughtful analysis.
Revisiting Previous Happenings. Every time I type the word “happening” I think of that dreadful M. Night Shyamalan movie. Rare is the occasion when I simply cannot say anything remotely positive about a movie. For this dud, all I can really come up with is that Zooey Deschanel sure was cute. Anyway, that’s not the point I wanted to make. During the offseason, I posted a little something detailing my thoughts in football hibernation. I’m fairly proud of my analysis, upon further review. I made a case for Terrell Owens, and he gets signed by the Bengals. I said Brett Favre was coming back, and so he has. Apparently, it was less certain than I had believed, but he still came back, so I win. I also told the Titans that they needed to open up their wallets for Chris Johnson, and so they did, bumping up CJ2K’s 2010 salary to $2.5 million. Kudos to Johnson for compromising with the Titans after realizing the upcoming (and unknown) CBA changes make it difficult to sign players to long-term contracts. He also deserves credit for dropping his attempt to nickname himself “Every Coach’s Dream.” What he possesses as a runner, he lacks as a wordsmith.
Check back soon as we enter Crazytown to discuss Calvin Johnson’s TD (he’s so good, even his DROPS are catches!), plenty of juicy Man Gossip, and to get the first Power(less) Rankings of the year! Lookout, football season, here we come! EXCELSIOR!
