Are you excited!? Yeah, me neither. Anyhow, I’ve decided that a format change will make this whole team ranking situation more entertaining while not sacrificing any of its inaccuracy. Also, this took me way less time than it used to, which will probably make me do this more often than I did last year. This year, I’ll be putting the team in groups with a unified theme. You’re smart. You’ll catch on. This week: CANDY! Quick note: Team order within each group is alphabetical, and does not indicate which team within the group is better than the others. I’ll give you this much; Pittsburgh is the best team right now and Buffalo is the worst.
Group One: Snickers. Delicious, substantial, and perfect for any snack situation. Sure, every now and then you want a crunch bar, but more often than not you’re going to crave one of these bad boys.
Packers (2-0)
Saints (2-0)
Steelers (2-0)
Texans (2-0)
Group Two: Twix. A delicious mix of chocolate, caramel, and cookie. Fantastic flavor, but not as substantial as a Snickers. There are two of them, though. That doesn’t really relate to football, but still. It’s pretty cool when you’re done eating a Twix and there’s another one there waiting for you.
Colts (1-1)
Dolphins (2-0)
Eagles (1-1)
Falcons (1-1)
Jets (1-1)
Patriots (1-1)
Ravens (1-1)
Titans (1-1)
Group Three: Take 5. For those of you unfamiliar, HERSHEY’S website says, “TAKE 5 provides a unique taste experience by combining five favorite ingredients [chocolate, caramel, pretzels, peanuts, and peanut butter] in one candy bar. The result is a delicious salty sweet snack unlike anything else.” You may not have been expecting it, but it’s one of the best candy bars out there. After you’re done marveling at my comparison, I suggest you go try one.
Bears (2-0)
Broncos (1-1)
Buccaneers (2-0)
Chargers (1-1)
Chiefs (2-0)
Washington Racial Slurs (1-1)
Group Four: 3 Musketeers. The outer shell is as chocolaty and sweet as can be. In fact, it borders on too sweet. However, once you’re past the thin layer of milk chocolate, there’s nothing but sugary fluff that’s entirely capable of sending you spiraling into a diabetic coma.
Bengals (1-1)
Cardinals (1-1)
Cowboys (0-2)
49ers (0-2)
Giants (1-1)
Vikings (0-2)
Group Five: Milky Way. This is a weird one. There’s no reason for you not to love a Milky Way. Thick layer of chocolate, plenty of smooth, creamy caramel, and seemingly all the substance you would need. And yet, for reasons I’m unable to understand, I never find myself wanting a Milky Way. It’s missing that certain… something that could make it an amazing treat.
Lions (0-2)
Panthers (0-2)
Group Six: Unnamed Black- and Orange-Wrapped Halloween Candy. You don’t know what it’s called. Frankly, I doubt anyone knows. It’s normally handed out by older ladies. You know it’s gross when you get it. You know it’s gross when you unwrap it. You’re not surprised when it’s gross once you taste it. Why do we eat it? WHY!?
Bills (0-2)
Browns (0-2)
Jaguars (1-1)
Raiders (1-1)
Rams (0-2)
Seahawks (1-1)
