HOWEVER, the lockout is now over and a certain worldwide leader in sports already has their first power rankings of the year online. I found this quite silly since most teams are just trying to figure out who’s in shape at this point, and we’ve not even had a preseason game. Add to that the fact that I’ve somehow caught the flu in August, and KABOOM! You’ve got yourself a Power(less) Rankings post!

I will avoid ranking teams, as the concept of trying to figure out if the Bills or the Browns are doing better in their scrimmages makes my nausea kick up, but there are some interesting moves that I think will do more to shape this season than current media coverage might suggest. Please note that I’m focusing on free agent acquisitions, not trades.

Signed: Johnathan Joseph (CB)

My reaction: Hot diggity.

The Texans have needed help in their secondary for a long time, and Houston was smart enough to understand that Nnamdi Asomugha was probably going to want to play for a real contender after spending what probably felt like 20 years in Oakland. Joseph instantly upgrades the defense and will make it easier for Mario Williams to rack up some sacks while learning his new position.

Signed: Mike Sims-Walker (WR)

My reaction: Sneaky bastards.

As a Vikings fan, I was really hoping Sims-Walker would land in Minnesota. Hence the angry reaction. Rams fans should be overjoyed to get a playmaker with the size, speed, and potential to be a legitimate number-one receiver. I’m sure Sam Bradford wasn’t too upset. I am a bit surprised that the Jaguars let him go, but it’s possible he didn’t like playing second fiddle to the smaller and seemingly less talented Mike Thomas. Either way, he’s in St. Louis now, and splitting him out wide will lead to more single coverage for Danny Amendola (A.K.A. Wes Welker 2.0).

Signed: Todd Heap (TE) and Richard Marshall (CB)

My reaction: Quality contributor times two.

The defensive backfield was all that Carolina had going for them last year, and Marshall was no small part of that. He’s not as quick or flashy as Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, but he’s a solid defensive back who will make D.R.C.’s departure less painful in the short term. As for Heap, he may be at the tail end of his career, but as long as Larry Fitzgerald is running that nine route, Todd will be able to move the chains underneath every so often. These are the kind of moves that will help Arizona make it back to the playoffs.

Signed: Remi Ayodele (DT)

My reaction: Adiós, Pat Williams.

The larger half of the “Williams Wall” had clearly lost a step toward the end of last season, and not many were shocked that the Vikings let him go, but that didn’t mean replacing him would be easy. Enter Remi Ayodele, a young, talented player from New Orleans with experience at nose tackle and a reputation for aggressive play. He has loads of potential, so if he can manage more consistent play than he did for the Saints, then the Vikings may have found their long-term replacement faster than expected.

Signed: Vonta Leach (FB)

My reaction: Ray Rice has a new best friend.

Fullbacks don’t get nearly enough love. Especially big, mauling ones like Leach. He was a big part of Arian Foster’s breakout year with the Texans, and Baltimore couldn’t have chosen a finer replacement for the outgoing Le’Ron McClain. Everyone seems to think Flacco’s performance will be the determining factor for the Ravens this year, but the duo of Leach and Rice should help make Joe’s job a little easier.

Group One: Snickers. Delicious, substantial, and perfect for any snack situation. Sure, every now and then you want a crunch bar, but more often than not you’re going to crave one of these bad boys.

Packers (2-0)

Saints (2-0)

Steelers (2-0)

Texans (2-0)

Group Two: Twix. A delicious mix of chocolate, caramel, and cookie. Fantastic flavor, but not as substantial as a Snickers. There are two of them, though. That doesn’t really relate to football, but still. It’s pretty cool when you’re done eating a Twix and there’s another one there waiting for you.

Colts (1-1)

Dolphins (2-0)

Eagles (1-1)

Falcons (1-1)

Jets (1-1)

Patriots (1-1)

Ravens (1-1)

Titans (1-1)

Group Three: Take 5. For those of you unfamiliar, HERSHEY’S website says, “TAKE 5 provides a unique taste experience by combining five favorite ingredients [chocolate, caramel, pretzels, peanuts, and peanut butter] in one candy bar. The result is a delicious salty sweet snack unlike anything else.” You may not have been expecting it, but it’s one of the best candy bars out there. After you’re done marveling at my comparison, I suggest you go try one.

Bears (2-0)

Broncos (1-1)

Buccaneers (2-0)

Chargers (1-1)

Chiefs (2-0)

Washington Racial Slurs (1-1)

Group Four: 3 Musketeers. The outer shell is as chocolaty and sweet as can be. In fact, it borders on too sweet. However, once you’re past the thin layer of milk chocolate, there’s nothing but sugary fluff that’s entirely capable of sending you spiraling into a diabetic coma.

Bengals (1-1)

Cardinals (1-1)

Cowboys (0-2)

49ers (0-2)

Giants (1-1)

Vikings (0-2)

Group Five: Milky Way. This is a weird one. There’s no reason for you not to love a Milky Way. Thick layer of chocolate, plenty of smooth, creamy caramel, and seemingly all the substance you would need. And yet, for reasons I’m unable to understand, I never find myself wanting a Milky Way. It’s missing that certain… something that could make it an amazing treat.

Lions (0-2)

Panthers (0-2)

Group Six: Unnamed Black- and Orange-Wrapped Halloween Candy. You don’t know what it’s called. Frankly, I doubt anyone knows. It’s normally handed out by older ladies. You know it’s gross when you get it. You know it’s gross when you unwrap it. You’re not surprised when it’s gross once you taste it. Why do we eat it? WHY!?

Bills (0-2)

Browns (0-2)

Jaguars (1-1)

Raiders (1-1)

Rams (0-2)

Seahawks (1-1)

Most important (and therefor first) thought: How the hell did I never realize that Julius Jones is the brother of Thomas Jones? They look darn near identical, and they’ve been in the league forever. Both are high-profile players, yet the media doesn’t seem to play their relation up at all. The Manning boys are always being compared and contrasted, and the meeting between the two this week is getting a silly amount of attention for two teams that didn’t exactly come out firing on all cylinders week one. Is it because they’re QBs, but the Jones boys are lowly, little running backs? And while we’re on the topic, how is it that Thomas Jones is constantly proving his critics wrong and making an impact wherever he goes, yet he still can’t hold down a team? Thomas has rushed for over 1,100 yards for five straight years, and racked up 46 touchdowns (three receiving) over that same span. Julius, meanwhile, has only cracked the thousand-yard barrier once, going for 1,084 in ’06. His touchdowns? Never more than the seven from his rookie year. Not that he hasn’t shown flashes, but Julius has managed to stay relatively stationary for a running back in today’s NFL. Two teams over seven years. Thomas is on his fifth team in 11 seasons. Thanks to Esack, my ear on the street, for bringing the brothers Jones into my head today, thus starting this mental tangent.

ON TO THE CHANGES! What’s new this year? The Power(less) Rankings will no longer be done in a simple one, two, three nature. No, this year we’ll be placing teams in groups that fit a common theme. The first theme will be CANDY BARS! That will come next week, as I feel ranking teams any earlier would be a chocolate-covered overreaction with a crunchy, nougat center. That last sentence took me six minutes to perfect. But what else is new? Man Gossip. Sure, it’s just a bunch of catty rumors, but we’re eating a bratwurst, so it’s still manly! I’ll touch on subjects like, “I heard that loudmouth Suzy say that Brett Favre wants Chili to trade for Vincent Jackson, but that stubborn ol’ Chili’s a tightwad and doesn’t want to drop the cash!” Or, “Mike McCarthy didn’t even wait a full week after Ryan Grant went down start calling up them Buffalo Bills to see if he could get Marshawn Lynch’s number! What a hussy!” This feature will come and go as gossip is deemed juicy enough. Next up is Crazytown, which will highlight various areas of ridiculousness unique to the football world. And the last addition to the already perfect, yet somehow now even more perfecter blog? A weekly guest. Mentok the Mindtaker. For those of you not familiar with outdated Hannah Barbera cartoon superheros or Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Mentok the Mindtaker is a character from Birdman, as well as the more recent tongue-in-cheek program Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law. Mentok’s villainous plots are fueled by his psychic powers. So who better to face in a weekly pick ‘em contest? Mentok will look into the future for his picks, and I’ll just use plain old logic. We’ll save our records and compare at year’s end. And heck, why not start now!?

Mentok the Mindtaker (0-0) vs Ezekiel (0-0)

Dolphins (1-0) at Vikings (0-1)

Ezekiel: Dolphins, crafty though they may be, would have a tough time fending off even one viking. Vikings win, 24 to 14.

Mentok: Minnesota’s offense takes a step in the right direction, but Favre still looks sloppy. Too bad Chad Henne can’t handle the Viking pass rush. A low-scoring affair of two solid defenses against two offenses struggling to find an identity. Vikings win, 14 to 9.

Giants (1-0) at Colts (0-1)

Ezekiel: Tricky one. A colt could be a horse, or a handgun, which begs the question… could a small sidearm take down a giant? Hard to say. I say no. Giants win, 27 to 24.

Mentok: Foolish human! I don’t need to take anyone’s mind to know that Peyton Manning will pick New York’s week defensive secondary apart! Colts win, 35 to 20.

Patriots (1-0) at Jets (0-1)

Ezekiel: A jet would annihilate a patriot, assuming these patriots are unarmed. The team name doesn’t list any sort of combat skills. Jets win, 28 to 14.

Mentok: Randy Moss is scary when he wants to be motivated. Darrelle Revis wishes he’d gotten into camp a little sooner. Patriots win, 21 to 10.

Ravens (1-0) at Bengals (0-1)

Ezekiel: I think a large swarm of ravens would a be surprisingly large challenge for a bengal tiger. However, if we’re saying there are multiple ravens, I feel like we have to assume there are multiple bengals, too. In that case, Bengals win, 14 to 10.

Mentok: The Bengals picked a bad week to need a rebound, because the Ravens show off their new receiving threats. Ravens win, 21 to 13.

Seahawks (1-0) at Broncos (0-1)

Ezekiel: Broncos are not designed to handle airborne attackers, so as long as the seahawks are organized, they should emerge victorious. Seahawks win, 17 to 14.

Mentok: Orton is rarely pressured and demonstrates why he’s starting ahead of Wonder Boy. Pete Carroll appears to be having a great time, even in defeat. Broncos win, 24 to 21.

BONUS PICK ‘EM OF THE WEEK: Fantasy sleeper of the week is…?

Ezekiel: C.J. Spiller. Green Bay’s defense looked slow against Mike Vick. Spiller, not unlike Vick, runs quickly.

Mentok: Darren McFadden. Nobody seemed to notice that he scored 20 fantasy points last week while his team was being routed. That’s not easy to do as a running back. What’s easier? Playing the Rams at home.

That’s all for Mentok the Mindtaker this week, folks. Check back next week for more predictions and to keep track of the ongoing battle between sophomoric idiocy and thoughtful analysis.

Revisiting Previous Happenings. Every time I type the word “happening” I think of that dreadful M. Night Shyamalan movie. Rare is the occasion when I simply cannot say anything remotely positive about a movie. For this dud, all I can really come up with is that Zooey Deschanel sure was cute. Anyway, that’s not the point I wanted to make. During the offseason, I posted a little something detailing my thoughts in football hibernation. I’m fairly proud of my analysis, upon further review. I made a case for Terrell Owens, and he gets signed by the Bengals. I said Brett Favre was coming back, and so he has. Apparently, it was less certain than I had believed, but he still came back, so I win. I also told the Titans that they needed to open up their wallets for Chris Johnson, and so they did, bumping up CJ2K’s 2010 salary to $2.5 million. Kudos to Johnson for compromising with the Titans after realizing the upcoming (and unknown) CBA changes make it difficult to sign players to long-term contracts. He also deserves credit for dropping his attempt to nickname himself “Every Coach’s Dream.” What he possesses as a runner, he lacks as a wordsmith.

Check back soon as we enter Crazytown to discuss Calvin Johnson’s TD (he’s so good, even his DROPS are catches!), plenty of juicy Man Gossip, and to get the first Power(less) Rankings of the year! Lookout, football season, here we come! EXCELSIOR!

That said, I do have a few random thoughts that I need to get off my mind. And what better forum for useless thoughts than a blog that no one reads? Makes me wonder, if a football blog falls in the middle of the empty woods…

Terrell Owens. Why is he unemployed? The only thing I can think of is that he still thinks he should be getting elite WR money. Otherwise, why would a veteran who runs routes well and occasionally breaks a big play be floating this long in free agency? Is he a jerk? Well, sure. A loudmouth? Most definitely. But he’s not the only jerk in football. Hell, Warren Sapp was, by many accounts, one of the biggest jerks in all of pro sports, but he never had to go this long between paychecks. While we’re at it, a jerk isn’t necessarily a bad person. Owens isn’t the one getting picked up with Purple Drank (see Russell, JaMarcus). He’s never been arrested for drowning and/or electrocuting dogs (see Vick, Michael). He’s never been accused of raping a woman in the bathroom of a night club (see Roethlisberger, Ben). If we’re being honest, there are some really awful people in the NFL. Brandon Marshall has been in trouble with the law for beating his ex-girlfriend on numerous occasions. Leonard Little, formerly of the Rams, drove drunk and killed a woman. Little returned to play for St. Louis for several years after the incident. Is T.O. really worse than all these people? Have his skills suddenly diminished to where he couldn’t even be a serviceable number two WR?

Brett Favre. He’s coming back. No, not before training camp. The Vikings don’t care. You shouldn’t either. “Why do these athletes feel like they don’t have to do their work? I show up to work every day!” Wanna know why? Because nobody cares about what you do every day. I’m sorry to say that people don’t want to watch you be a really good doctor or lawyer or teacher, I really am. What you do may be important, but it’s just not captivating. That’s reality. Brett Favre wins games and he’s captivating while he does it. He gets to make up his own rules.

LeBron James. What a douche. He wants to win championships to help his legacy, but his legacy’s already taken a huge hit. If he wins three titles in Miami, he’s a sellout. One title in Cleveland would have made him a legend. The only way he turns his lasting image around is if he ends up with more rings than Jordan. Not going to happen.

Albert Haynesworth. Hey Snyder! Everyone told you he was a jerk before you gave him $100 million. Don’t complain now! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of Fat Albert, but it’s not like his issues started before Washington gave him a stupid amount of money. Change your team nickname to something that isn’t a racial slur and perhaps the football gods will show mercy.

Chris Johnson. Pay the man. He ran for over 2,000 yards. A runningback with his size will last maybe eight years in today’s NFL. That is, assuming he’s one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get severely injured to the point where he’s considered useless by the very team that’s asking for his loyalty now. If the Titans thought it was in their best interest, they’d cut Chris Johnson tomorrow. As is, he’s possibly the best rusher in the league. Come on, Tennessee. Get out your checkbook.

Pete Carroll. Way to sneak out of USC right before the Trojans get nailed for all your “recruiting tactics.” Weasel.

Monday Night Football. Bring back Tony Kornheiser!

That’s all I’ve got for you. See you when the football happens.

Still, though, it’s hard to say where teams will go from here. Would anyone be shocked if Tennessee turned their season around and made the playoffs? Do people expect the Broncos to continue their dominance once they get into some tougher games? Will Minnesota need to worry about Brett Favre’s arm running out of magic, like it did with the Jets last year? Speaking of New York, how long can Mark Sanchez keep the Jets undefeated?

All valid questions that I will not answer, because I am a mere mortal who cannot see the future. Now, on to the awards.

Crazy-Ass-No-Way Catch of the Week goes to Donald Driver with extra points for only using one hand. It was very difficult for me not to give this award to Greg Lewis for his game-winner from Brett Favre, but Driver was even being held on the play and still managed to make the play while staying inbounds.

The AARP Old Man Play of the Week goes to Derrick Mason for his touchdown catch against Cleveland. It’s really more the run after the catch (complete with ankle-breaking juke) that earns him the award. The Ravens are lucky he decided not to retire.

Now, on to the matter at hand.

1. Giants (3-0). They looked impressive before holding the Buccaneers scoreless. The offense is looking more and more balanced every week, with Smith, Manningham, and Moss all making big plays. When they get Hakeem Nicks back, they’ll be even better.

2. Ravens (3-0). Joe Flacco is starting to exercise that big arm of his, and Willis McGahee is off to a strong start. They’ll always be scary on defense. Were this blowout against anyone besides Cleveland, they might have jumped up to number one.

3. Saints (3-0). They keep making good teams look stupid. The running game is looking good with Pierre Thomas back and healthy. Drew Brees is on pace for 48 touchdown passes.

4. Vikings (3-0). The presence of Brett Favre gives Minnesota something they haven’t had in recent years. That is, the ability to win games they shouldn’t be able to win. Adrian Peterson was held in check (as much as possible) and the 49ers played a nearly perfect game. Good teams manage to find a way to win, and the Vikings look like a very good team.

5. Colts (3-0). They managed to get through a shaky start without taking a loss. Now, Peyton looks like he’s getting the newbies involved with the offense. They’ll only improve throughout the year, especially when Bob Sanders returns.

6. Jets (3-0). Mark Sanchez is what the young people call a “baller.” The defense is for real, too. Their matchup in week four in New Orleans will remove the underdog label… if they can hold Drew Brees down.

7. Cowboys (2-1). Their defense finally managed to get to the QB after going without a sack their first two games. Is it just me, or does Wade Phillips have the worst body language of any coach? He always looks suicidal when the Cowboys make a mistake, and looks completely shocked when they win.

8. Chargers (2-1). Rivers currently leads the league in passing yards. I’m sure they’d like to give some of those yards back to L.T. once he gets back on the field, but how long is that going to take?

9. Eagles (2-1). Kevin Kolb has kept the offense warm for Donovan McNabb, although it was against the Chiefs. Michael Vick still doesn’t look like he’s ready to play pro football yet.

10. Patriots (2-1). They didn’t just beat a high-flying Falcons team, New England completely shut them down. If the offensive line can play like this, opening up more holes for Fred Taylor and protecting Tom Brady, the team will start to look more impressive.

11. Falcons (2-1). The loss of Peria Jerry might have more of an impact on their run D than I previously expected. The Patriots just provided a template for how to beat Atlanta.

12. 49ers (2-1). That was a very good performance in Minnesota, especially when you consider that Frank Gore went down on his first carry. After the game, Mike Singletary told his players to keep their heads up because San Francisco would “meet them [Minnesota] again in the playoffs.” I don’t doubt him.

13. Steelers (1-2). Pittsburgh simply has a different defense without Troy Polamalu. Until he can come back, they’ll continue to struggle when they need to close out a game against a good QB.

14. Packers (2-1). They looked impressive in a big win over St. Louis. That sentence may get copied and pasted for whichever team plays the Rams next.

15. Bears (2-1). A comeback victory is always hard to pull off, but they shouldn’t need to mount a comeback against a Hasselbeck-less Seahawks team.

16. Bengals (2-1). They don’t look polished, but they sure do look talented. However, as I just said, any comeback is impressive. Let’s not forget the Steelers are the defending champs.

17. Broncos (3-0). That 3-0 might as well be a picture of Josh McDaniel holding up the one-fingered peace sign to all the people who have been bashing this team in the offseason. I’m only going to eat crow if they start winning against non-Raiders.

18. Bills (1-2). The lack of talent on the offensive line might be starting to catch up with them. I’m not surprised the Saints outscored them, but you have to put up more than seven points when you’re expecting a shootout.

19. Texans (1-2). The talent is there, but the wins aren’t. That spells a job hunt for Gary Kubiak.

20. Titans (0-3). The running game is still there. The game manager is still there. The defense, though mostly the same as last year, doesn’t appear to be there.

21. Jaguars (1-2). As Maurice Jones-Drew goes, so goes the team. Three TDs for Jones-Drew equals one win for Jacksonville. Keep it on the ground, boys.

22. Cardinals  (1-2). Mediocrity is highlighted by a quality opponent. Case in point: Indianapolis 31, Arizona 10. I see no end in sight for the Superbowl hangover.

23. Lions (1-2). That’s a number other than zero in the win column. Way to go, boys.

24. Seahawks (1-2). They almost managed to pull an upset against a strong defense without their starting QB. They definitely played better than I thought they would. That said, Seneca Wallace is not the long term solution for Seattle and Hasselbeck can’t be counted on to play a full season.

25. Panthers (0-3). Keep Steve Smith, DeAngelo Williams, and Jonathan Stewart. The rest of the offense needs an overhaul. If Coach Fox won’t do it, they’ll find someone who will.

26. Dolphins (0-3). Got any more weird offensive formations? No? How about a viable starting QB now that Pennington is gone? No!? Wow. This could get ugly. Sparano might as well put in Pat White and see what he can do with 25 snaps.

27. Raiders (1-2). Keeping Jeff Garcia might have been a good idea. JaMarcus Russell is 31 of 75 for one TD, four picks, and a QB rating of (brace yourself) 39.8.

28. Washington Racial Slurs (1-2). You lost to the Lions. No injuries to a superstar. No blown call that cost you the game. You just got legitimately outplayed by Detroit.

29. Buccaneers (0-3). They put up a big doughnut against the Giants. Now they’ve benched Byron Leftwich for Josh Johnson. Yeah, that’ll do the trick.

30. Chiefs (0-3). Growing pains are to be expected in a rebuilding year. It might help if Larry Johnson looked interested in running the ball. Todd Haley might as well trade him now, before his trade value is completely destroyed.

31. Rams (0-3). The offense looked a little better with Kyle Boller at QB. I’ve read that sentence several times over. After you get done laughing, it really does make sense, I promise.

32. Browns (0-3). Have you ever seen such a pathetic defensive secondary? Horrible coverage and even worse tackling. This will be Eric Mangini’s last head coaching job in the NFL.

Equally important: Seattle is wearing a lime green alternate jersey today at home against Chicago. I have long said that lime green is a color sorely missed in the palette of NFL uniforms. The football gods have already rewarded the fashion statement with an INT from Jay Cutler. Stylin’, boys, stylin’.

UPDATE: Go ahead. Take a look.

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens. I fully expect to see at least three Cleveland players curled up in the fetal position as the Ravens beat them mercilessly. Browns 5, Ravens 28. Phil Dawson will score two field goals, but Terrell Suggs will intimidate the scoreboard operator into shorting the Browns a point.

Washington Racial Slurs at Detroit Lions. Washington’s offense has been awful so far this year. They barely beat the Rams last week. Detroit, on the other hand, appears to be improving. The football gods will punish the Racial Slurs with the ultimate embarrassment in sports (that doesn’t involve a “whizzinator”), a loss to Detroit. Rightful Owners of Our Land 13, Lions 20.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans. The Jaguars can’t seem to get things going, and the Texans’ offense got it going last week. This will be boring. Jaguars 14, Texans 35.

Atlanta Falcons at New England Patriots. Atlanta has looked very impressive in all facets of the game so far. The Patriots’ linebackers will have trouble covering Tony Gonzalez. Look for John Abraham to spend a lot of time in Tom Brady’s face. Coach Hoody will keep it close, but ultimately the Patriots just don’t look that good. Falcons 24, Patriots 17.

Green Bay Packers at St. Louis Rams. If this were a game of Madden football, you’d play three quarters and then pick new teams out of pity for whoever picked St. Louis. Packers 17, Rams 6.

New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Bucs’ defense has more holes than the fishnet t-shirt I’m wearing out to the club tonight (I rope girls in by making them think I’m gay, thereby lowering their defenses). Also, this is a matchup of the slowest throwing motion in football against a very scary D-line. Giants 24, Buccaneers 20.

Tennessee Titans at New York Jets. This will be one of the better games of week three. It’s going to be hard for Kerry Collins to get the passing game going against Coach Ryan’s blitz-happy defense, but the Titans’ D could get back to last year’s form against a rookie QB. Momentum favors New York. Titans 14, Jets 16.

Kansas City Chiefs at Philadelphia Eagles. The QB situation is a little blurry in Philly. Kolb is starting, but Garcia is waiting, and Vick will certainly see the field, but how often is uncertain. That being said, the Chiefs’ everything situation is a little blurry. At least one Eagles QB is bound to have a good game. Chiefs 13, Eagles 21.

San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings. The only game that features two undefeated teams. This is actually a very balanced matchup. The key will be Adrian Peterson versus Patrick Willis. Willis shut Purple Jesus down last time these teams met, but Chester Taylor was able to pick up the slack. Frank Gore might find more room to run that you might think against a Vikings run defense that hasn’t been as dominant as usual. Favre might have to win this game with his arm. 49ers 20, Vikings 27.

New Orleans Saints at Buffalo Bills. Trent Edwards and Fred Jackson have been surprisingly good on offense, but Drew Brees appears to have gone Super Saiyan. That’s right. I just dropped a Dragonball Z reference. Saints 184, Bills 21.

Chicago Bears at Seattle Seahawks. If Matt Hasselbeck can go, this is a game worth watching. If Seattle’s signal-caller is out, then this will be a snoozer. Bears 8, Seahawks 3 (they’ll decide to play baseball to make things more interesting).

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals. This is my upset of the week. The Steelers don’t look good in pass defense without Troy Polamalu and Carson Palmer seems to have the offense going again. Throw in Cedric Benson giving the Bengals a balanced attack and the Steelers being completely unable to run the ball, and I smell an upset brewing. Steelers 17, Bengals 24.

Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders. JaMarcuss Russell is still playing like a rookie and Denver already has seven sacks this season. Captain Neckbeard may not help the offense to another big outing, but he may not have to. Broncos 16, Raiders 6.

Miami Dolphins at San Diego Chargers. Is there any reason to believe the Dolphins will be able to pull off an upset of this size right now? Dolphins 14, Chargers 31.

Indianapolis Colts at Arizona Cardinals (Sunday night). The Colts could barely keep up with two mediocre offenses in Jacksonville and Miami. The Cardinals will get off to a faster start than either of those teams. Colts 24, Cardinals 27.

Carolina Panthers at Dallas Cowboys (Monday night). Battle of the surprisingly bad pass rushes. Okay, so that’s probably not how ESPN is advertising the game, but it’s the first thing that came to my mind. Both QBs could find themselves with plenty of time to work in the pocket, but they both love to throw silly interceptions. Whoever commits fewer turnovers will win. I happen to think that will be Dallas. Panthers 27, Cowboys 31.

Not really. This is actually from an infographic featured on The Onion’s sports page. Click here for the rest of the funny.

Ponder this: Carson Palmer and the Bengals looked pathetic in their debut against a Denver team that was supposed to be in a state of utter disarray. So the Bengals are bad, and the Broncos are better. But then Cincy goes into Green Bay and upsets the Packers in a shootout. So the Bengals are good… or bad… and the Packers D must not be very good. Right? The Cheese-Heads exposed Jay Cutler as a fraud last week, forcing four interceptions. So… the Packers are also good… or bad. And Cutler? Forget about it! Four picks for the Windy City Savior. He’s a bust. Unless you watched week two, where Jay came from behind in the fourth quarter to beat the defending-champion Steelers. Two touchdowns. Zero picks. So the Bears, Bengals, Packers, and Steelers are all good… or bad. Feel my headache.

A couple awards to take care of:

Crazy-Ass-No-Way Catch of the Week goes to Kenny Phillips of the New York Big-&-Talls for this interception of Tony Romo via Jason Witten’s foot. Runner-up goes to Andre Johnson for this gem.

The AARP Old Man Play of the Week goes to Darren Sharper for this 97-yard return of his INT of Kevin Kolb. Good job not getting caught by the QB, Darren.

Random mind-blowing number: The Cowboys’ new jumbo-tron weighs 600 tons. That’s 1,200,000 lbs.

Now, on to business.

1. Giants (2-0). Good win versus a talented division rival. Mario Manningham and Steve “The-Other-One” Smith seem to be doing a fine job of replacing Plaxico Burress.

2. Ravens (2-0). Very balanced once again. Ray Lewis looked young again on that big stuff of Darren Sproles late in the fourth. Be afraid.

3. Falcons (2-0). Matt Ryan is the real deal. Losing Peria Jerry will hurt the defense, but as long as their offense is clicking, it won’t be a huge deal.

4. Saints (2-0). I poo-pooed their big offensive display against Detroit in week one. 48 points against the Eagles earns them an apology. Drew Brees is on track for 72 touchdown passes.

5. Cowboys (1-1). I know they lost, but only by two points, and that’s with Romo all but handing the Giants the game. Hint for Wade Phillips: Your team had 251 rushing yards. Maybe Romo doesn’t need to throw so much.

6. Vikings (2-0). The first-half Vikings are ranked considerably lower than the second-half Vikings. Has Favre ever checked down as many times as he did against Detroit?

7. Colts (2-0). They had the ball for less than fifteen minutes and still managed to win the game. Once they get Bob Sanders back, their defense might even be able to stop someone.

8. Steelers (1-1). Jeff Reed doesn’t miss two kicks in one game. Until he does, that is. They should have won. That said, they didn’t. Once again, I find myself asking where the running game has gone.

9. Chargers (1-1). They almost managed a comeback against a very stout Ravens D. Sproles is the future at runningback. Make that the present at runningback.

10. Jets (2-0). They didn’t exactly embarass the Patriots, but they certainly did beat them. Tom Brady was pressured all game long.

11. 49ers (2-0). Frank Gore looked like he was running mad after a sub-par week one. Shaun Hill is a fantastic game manager.

12. Eagles (1-1). Without McNabb (and Andrews at RT), the team struggled. If Kolb can eliminate the turnovers, they’ll have a chance. I don’t blame them for not stopping the Saints’ O. It doesn’t look like any team could have done better.

13. Bills (1-1). Trent Edwards spread the ball around well and put up some good numbers. Fred Jackson had another great game. When Marshawn Lynch gets back, they’ll be an offensive force to be reckoned with.

14. Patriots (1-1). In all honesty, they should be 0-2. So much for that welcome back party, Tom.

15. Titans (0-2). Chris Johnson is legitimately terrifying. They still need to get back to closing out games.

16. Cardinals (1-1). Scoring 31 against the Jaguars is nothing short of fantastic. Their D looks a little better than last year. So does Tim Hightower, as well.

17. Packers (1-1). Looks like the 3-4 defense isn’t as ready as it appeared to be against Chicago. Consistency will be the key to their success (or failure) in ’09.

18. Texans (1-1). The offense decided to show up this week. Good thing, too, because their defense didn’t bother covering Chris Johnson all that often.

19. Bears (1-1). They didn’t really deserve to win that game, but that doesn’t mean the “W” counts any less. Can the defense win when Cutler has another interception hemorrhage?

20. Bengals (1-1). Which offense shows up in week three and beyond? The defense is making progress, and Antwan Odom (5 sacks) benefitted from Green Bay’s pathetic O-line.

21. Broncos (2-0). I somehow managed to list Denver as 0-1 last week. Oops. Their D may be the real deal, but I’m not convinced that the offense didn’t benefit from Cleveland’s poor defense.

22. Dolphins (0-2). Tedd Ginn proved that he’s no number one WR. The red zone offense can’t get anything done. That will result in more close losses.

23. Raiders (1-1). JaMarcus Russell needs to demonstrate that he can run the offense better. He has a cannon, but that only takes you so far.

24. Buccaneers (0-2). The defense is clearly missing Monte Kiffin. Cadillac Williams is healthy again, but his resurgence is being wasted.

25. Panthers (0-2). Delhomme couldn’t help that INT on fourth down, but the defense seems to be lacking something. Mainly, a pass rush.

26. Washington Racial Slurs (1-1). You mean to tell me that you can’t muster more than nine points against the Rams? Good luck with the rest of your opponents.

27. Lions (0-2). Once again, the offense showed flashes, but the defense needs some serious work. Stafford might experience an Aikman-like rookie season.

28. Jaguars (0-2). Jones-Drew looks ordinary, and David Garrard isn’t going to win many games on his own. Jack Del Rio might be on his way out if he can’t fix this sinking ship.

29. Seahawks (1-1). This is their Hasselbeck-less ranking. If he can come back soon, they’ll skyrocket, but do we have any reason to believe he’ll be able to stay relatively healthy if he can get back onto the field?

30. Chiefs (0-2). How do you hold JaMarcus Russell to 7/24 passing and still lose? Good thing that pesky offensive coordinator is out of the way, eh coach?

31. Rams (0-2). They managed to score, and they managed to allow nothing but field goals on defense. However, like most terrible teams, they still found a way to lose.

32. Browns (0-2). They made the Broncos’ offense look dynamic while failing to find the end zone. Zero sacks, zero INTs, and zero wins. What’s the over-under on how many years Mangini is in Cleveland?

Some quick notes first: All three teams that fired their offensive coordinators (Buffalo, Kansas City, and Tampa Bay) had surprisingly good offensive outings, with the Bills’ Trent Edwards and Fred Jackson looking especially sharp.

I miss Tony in the Monday Night Football booth. He dedicated most of his time to pissing off Ron Jaworski. It was glorious.

Crazy-Ass-No-Way Catch of the Week goes to Greg Camarillo of the Dolphins for this beauty. Sorry, Brandon Stokley, but Greg pretty much caught that with his ass.

Not to be outdone, Videogame-esque Time-Wasting Play of the Week goes to the aforementioned Mr. Stokley. Pay attention to the end of his miracle reception. He runs down the one-yard line, letting time run off the clock before he scores. I’ve done this against my brother many times. He normally bitches about it.

Manly-Man Run of the Week goes to Adrian Peterson (I know I’m a homer, but he’s just a beast) for this 64-yard piece of art.

All right, let’s get down to business.

1. Giants (1-0). Did any other hyped team dominate another good team like New York did? No. So they’re on top.

2. Eagles (1-0). They were balanced, and played solid football on offense, defense, and special teams. They won’t dominate like this without McNabb.

3. Cowboys (1-0). Is it just me, or did Tony Romo look better without T.O.? The D will need to pitch in, though. Zero sacks, zero picks, and zero fumble recoveries.

4. Steelers (1-0). Ugly win versus a talented opponent, but where was the rushing game? Now, Polamalu hits the bench. Not good.

5. Patriots (1-0). That was an amazing comeback to welcome Brady back. That said, should an elite team need an amazing comeback to beat the Bills at home?

6. Falcons (1-0). The defense shut down the tricky Dolphins. The fishies’ longest play was 21 yards. Ryan to Gonzalez looks like a combo we should get used to.

7. Ravens (1-0). Flacco looked good, throwing for over 300 yards. The defense always looks good.

8. Vikings (1-0). Adrian Peterson is the best player in the league. Favre needs to start testing the long ball. Also, will someone on special teams make a tackle? I thought they learned their lesson last year. Maybe not.

9. Chargers (1-0). Good comeback with Sproles instead of L.T. running the ball. The offensive line needs to get better fast.

10. Saints (1-0). Drew Brees is on track for 96 touchdown passes. Okay, it was Detroit, but that offense looks scary.

11. Titans (0-1). Best of the losers! Their offense is supposed to run through LenDale White and Chris Johnson. They only had two first downs on the ground. Result: 0-1.

12. Jets (1-0). That’s right, I said the Jets! What are you going to do about it? They might as well be called the New York Ravens. Coach Ryan came from Baltimore and brought last year’s winning formula with him. Balanced O and dominating D.

13. Colts (1-0). They played a rough, bruiser of a game with Jacksonville. The only impressive thing they did was win. Don’t fret, though. Indy fans, just keep repeating, “Manning to Wayne, Manning to Wayne, Manning to Wayne.”

14. Packers (1-0). Division rivalries are always harder than they seem on paper, and Chicago’s defense played tough all game. The secondary made Jay Cutler look stupid.

15. 49ers (1-0). The victory may not have seemed awe inspiring, but lets not forget that they were playing the defending NFC champion Cardinals. Mike Singletary’s defense made Kurt Warner throw more INTs than touchdowns, and any time Arizona’s leading receiver is Tim Hightower, it means the D gets props. Shaun Hill just wins.

16. Seahawks (1-0). They put up 28 and gave up zero points, but does making the Rams look silly prove anything?

17. Bills (0-1). Should have won that game. Edwards showed a lot of improvement and the pass rush looked a lot better. Still, though, you can’t lose that game.

18. Raiders (0-1). Cut and paste the explanation for Buffalo, with “Russell” in for “Edwards.” The D-line got pressure, but they didn’t mix it up at all to confuse San Diego. A vanilla defense would have been a step up.

19. Jaguars (0-1). Tough defense, but absolutely nothing coming from the passing game.

20. Washington Racial Slurs (0-1). The Giants shut this offense down. Portis didn’t do much and Moss didn’t do anything. If Zorn can’t find creative ways to get those two out in space, he’ll find himself without a job.

21. Cardinals (0-1). They were impressive in limiting Frank Gore for much of the game, but where’s that prolific offense? Why is Tim Hightower catching more passes than Fitzgerald and Boldin?

22. Chiefs (0-1). Put 24 up without their starting QB against the Ravens. That’s nothing to shake a stick at. The defense, on the other hand? Shake as many sticks as you like.

23. Buccaneers (0-1). It appears they have a solid 1-2 punch at runningback with Cadillac Williams healthy and Derrick Ward coming over from the G-Men. However, they may have one of the least frightening defensive lines in the entire league.

24. Bears (0-1). That D looks stronger than last year, to be sure, but Jay Cutler can’t throw four picks every game. Well, he can… but they won’t win many games.

25. Dolphins (0-1). If the running game doesn’t pick it up, this team has no chance in their division.

26. Lions (0-1). NOT DEAD LAST! Way to go Detroit. Your offense showed potential and you played hard all game, but 45 points? Come on!

27. Browns (0-1). Jamal Lewis looked fresh and powerful. Cribbs looked explosive as ever. Everything else… not so much.

28. Broncos (0-1). What an ugly game. Neither team deserved to win this game. They held Cincy to seven points, but that might have more to do with the Bengals’ offense than the Broncos’ defense. At least they’ll be rocking some sweet throwbacks soon!

29. Panthers (0-1). Jake Delhomme is a turnover machine. I feel bad for the guy, but I can’t believe Carolina didn’t make any sort of move in the offseason to plan for the post-Delhomme era.

30. Texans (0-1). People expected their defense to be lousy, but not the offense, too. The big three playmakers were silent, especially Steve Slaton, with 9 rushes for 17 yards and a fumble.

31. Bengals (0-1). Note to Roy Williams: On a hail mary pass, don’t go for the big hit. Knock the ball down. You’re a safety, or at least you claim to be one.

32. Rams (0-1). Score. A. Point.